My expierence with anxiety

If there’s one word I would not use to describe my anxiety, it would be consistent. It tends to go from 1-100 in the blink of an eye. I could be fine in a certain situation, experience the same thing a second time and have a panic attack, then be terrified for the next week that more are coming. Then there are times when it feels like absolutely nothing can hold me back, almost as if every drop of anxious thought had suddenly vanished. Those are my favorite times because I forget there are things I can’t do without spiraling into an anxiety attack.

Anxiety is difficult to understand unless you’ve experienced it yourself, which is also hard because everyone’s experience with anxiety is entirely unique. I try not to let ignorance hurt me, but I can’t seem to forget the time when someone told me that I was overreacting and that I “technically could go into school” in response to when I told them I felt so anxious I physically couldn’t. Memories of old friends getting annoyed when I got overwhelmed, as they complained when I was on the brink of an anxiety attack, will never be forgotten.

I’m just going to tell you about what anxiety feels like to me. Sometimes it feels like a soft whisper that comes and goes, but is always in the back of my mind, telling me everything that could go wrong. Other times it comes on unexpectedly, and escalates particularly fast, the absolute worst possible thing about my anxiety: panic attacks. Anxiety attacks and panic attacks can appear dramatically different in different people. A friend of mine zones out and can’t speak, focus or track a single thought racing through their head, and they are silent for a while.

For me, I can tell the exact moment when it’s starting, when I stop paying as much attention to what’s around me, and instead focus a little too much on my body. By this, I mean that I think about my breathing enough that it starts to speed up, and I focus on my feet enough that I start to question if they are even there. Then, I usually get a few hot and cold flashes, and I pale a bit when it gets really bad. I’m not very certain how to describe it, but it feels like I’m trapped in my own body, or I’m dying or something. At those moments, I would do anything to make it stop, and I get extremely frantic. I usually cry, sometimes pretty loud, as if I’m pleading for help. When it’s at its worst, I can’t stand up without black and white spots accompanying my vision and almost passing out. I get excessively irritable and find it hard to talk or communicate what I’m feeling. Usually, I don’t remember a single thought I had during an anxiety/panic attack, and sometimes I can’t even remember parts of it. It’s important to know that no one's symptoms are “better” or “worse” than someone else's just because it may seem like some are easier to deal with.

I’m not writing this because I want you to feel sorry for me. I don’t experience these anxiety attacks as much as I used to, and I’ve learned coping methods and ways to calm myself down. I’m not writing this because something is wrong with me as if this is some rare disorder, because the reality is anxiety and anxiety attacks are so common. I’m writing this because I barely ever hear about people’s experiences with anxiety it seems like, and I've never felt the need to keep my anxiety a secret, because to me it isn’t. I’m writing this because anxiety is not merely feeling “nervous” in a crowd, it’s much more than that. I’m writing this because sometimes I feel surrounded by my own fear, and I need to reassure myself that what I’m feeling is real. I don’t know if anyone found this relatable, even only little parts of it, maybe a sentence or two, but if you did, I’m glad because I want you to know you’re not alone, and no moment lasts forever.